One of the first questions you have to answer when starting a blog is who it’s for. I first of all set ‘private’ – erring on being conservative is my default I suppose. As an introvert, I often have to make a conscious choice to let others in.
So I want to simply say: you’re welcome. Read much, read little, whoever you may be. I want to make choices, in the big and the small, whenever I can, to let others into my life, to see who I am. Let this be a step in that direction.
Choosing to be vulnerable is rarely easy. But as I have, I’ve discovered that the majority of people will not mock, make fun cruelly, but are actually for me. I’m certainly preaching to myself here; may I have the courage to be as open in my relationships as I am on here. May openness in one context inspire openness in all.
For the more we open ourselves to others the more our world expands.
Origins are an important thing – something’s beginning tells a lot about what it is, what it was made for.
After my ‘episode’ in Africa this April, my rather extreme reaction to larium, to be precise, Tim and Cath suggested that I do some writing to help me process, to ‘leave something special for your kids and friends’. Writing for my children seems an appropriate place to start, and I certainly won’t run out of material with such a subject!
To go further, this experience has faced me with my own human frailness, my mortality in a way I’ve not experienced before. In my confused, larium-toxified mental state I was under the impression that I only had weeks to live, that time is running out. It threw me into panics, which of course isn’t right. But the truth is that our time is running out. Only God knows how long we have here, and nothing we do can guarantee ourselves of any more of it. The best we can do is make the most of it – live well, love well, be present in each moment to whoever we’re with. So I want to pass on something of that to my kids too.
I don’t naturally stop very well; I don’t think many people do. Recovering from this episode has forced me to slow down. It’s my desire that this blog would help me develop a pattern of slowing down, of looking deeper, closer at life, and as a result to live more fully, more richly. In cramming lots in, in an effort to get the most out of life, I think we sometimes miss what’s right in front of us.
I can’t guarantee that this will be the best writing, in fact I suspect that trying to be clever will sabotage my desire to be honest, and real. That’s a trap I often fall into. Life’s too short to put on pretenses and pretend to be something we’re not, hey?
I am what I am, by the grace of God, no more no less, and I do not want to pretend to be anything different. Let that be the mantra of these writings.